Faith Between the Lines

I couldnt shake it today. I had a pit in my stomach all day and no matter how much or how hard I prayed i wouldt go away. It felt like I couldnt breath. I couldnt sit still in class. It kind of felt like the restlessness I have experienced after surgery before I have taken my pain meds. I didnt take two steps out of class before I started crying. I hate sounding this freaking emo because I know God is here but I just cant shake it without getting it out on paper. Or computer. I hate this.

“Shut up and let me do my job.”    Response: Yesir.

I just had the worst nightmare of my life.

Sometimes even when you know something is a mistake you have to make it anyway. Just to make sure its a mistake.

God can restore any situation no matter how bad it is. But we must be willing to obey and submit everything to Him. We cant put our hope in other people or in ourselves. Until we realize this, God cant give us all that He desires for us. Its painful and it takes time. But He will give us the desire, strength and fire to follow him if we ask for it. My transgressions and sins were due to me allowing my past failures to influence my life now. Our God is far too good to allow us to fall away. In these times of chastening we are given passion and fire for Him. In our weakness He is strong. If we put aside our need to be in control and let Him work he can restore that which we screwed up. We need to be able to put aside our need to control a situation and trust. Since failing out of college I have felt ashamed and have tried to cover it up and work it back myself. I have made more than a mess. But as I give my life completely back to him and lower the walls I put up between Him and me I now have complete faith that he can restore my life. I feel free and happy because I have given him my burdon. I have a restored sense of love and drive. The hard part now is praying that God restore the damage I have done. All I can do now is interceede on the behalf of those I have hurt and pray that God become their sustaining force. I may never get the chance to fully show those I have hurt how God has changed me in these few weeks but I can use this renewed dependance upon God to trust that he will be their comfort when I cannot be. I really hope its his will to give me another chance but if its not I will continue to rejoice in his goodness. I will continue to pray that they can give Him everything.

Danny Cardosa. My best friends grandfather. A great man, husband, father and grandfather. He will be missed. 

“The wounds from a lover are worth it; kisses from an enemy do you in. When you have stuffed yourself, you refuse dessert; When you are starved you could eat a horse. People who wont settle down, Wondering hither and yon, are like restelss birds flitting too and fro. Just as lotions and fragrance give sentual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.”

Lord I dont get why we have to suffer. I dont understand why people have to be widows. I dont understand why people have to die. I dont understand why some people can go through their whole lives feeling unloved yet others find love without even looking. I dont understand why we dont appreciate what we have until its gone. I dont understand why you havnt given me peace about my situation while you have in all other areas of my life. I dont understand why Ive drawn closer to you but my circumstances just keep feeling more and more wrong. I dont understand why your plan is the way it is. I dont understand why I cant be with her and love her. I dont understand why I cant show how I have changed through these trials. I dont understand why Im still sad for her hurt and pain more than Im sad about my own. I dont understand why I cant fight. I dont understan why I can still see it working out. I dont understand why she still is constantly on my mind and heart. I dont understand why despite my pain im not bitter. I dont understand why I am given this drive but cant apply it. God I dont understand. I dont get it… But I choose to believe that your plan is  pure and better than anything I could ever imagine. 

I dont like it. It hurts and I dont like it.

I feel completely drained. I was just a part of a grieving process which had many firsts. My first open casket, my first time being a pall bearer, my first time witnessing the death of a close relative, my first time reading at a funeral. Im not a man who talks much so it all wears down on me but writing it out is helpful. I don’t think there is anything more awful than hearing the wailing form a grieving widow. I don’t think I have cried more in my entire life than I have in this past week. And the worst thing for me is its not over. My grandmother is in renal failure and won’t last much longer. Bottom line is love hurts. Without it there would be no grief or sadness.  I know God is there but I feel so alone. I don’t have anyone due to my own faults and decisions. I have pushed most of my friends away and the ones that I still have are too far away to really be able to talk to because electronic communication is so straining on me. Writing helps a lot. It lets me get things out. I wish I found this earlier. maybe then i would not have gotten myself into this situation. Uncle Gene was so much like me and SO many people loved and were there for him. I hope someday I can be like that. I just need to rest and gather my thoughts. A lot has come to light from this experience, so I guess it wasn’t for nothing.